Sometimes when the depression happens, it’s an all-consuming smog of a force; if you can imagine such a thing. It is an aimless fairytale of all that couldn’t be. Dull and dark, one might expect haunts. Me––a place where a seat at the table is customarily set.
The hardest part of it all is that I’m 6 years in the game. It has been six long fought years from the day I said Stop. The day I finally sought a reason for the way I felt and why I couldn’t feel, all at the same time. I learned that; indeed, I was suffering by nature––I had depression.
WHEN IT HAPPENS: I over-intellectualize the process, as if my mind is stable enough to make sense of anything other than Why(?). It’s like suffocating from giving yourself too much air when you can’t breathe. One deceptively thinks because I recognized the signs of mental density and emotional anguish; I’ve been here before, it’ll be a passing wave. It doesn’t pass. It isn’t a wave. The vibration gunks up your energetic center like you hadn’t anticipated. At that point, you must feed the beast what it wants, your light. You hide away from the world and begin to excel at holding on to past difficulties, instead of looking onward. You wake-up crying some days, being angry most days, and, of course, you gotta love Beyoncé ALL days.
Life is tough, and that’s true whether or not you have the awareness to understand it. God or source, whatever you believe, is our alchemical lifeguard, perched upon high; on his glorious stand, waiting to see if you’re gonna jump with courage or doggy-paddle. Either way, you’ll be saved. It’s just, with courage, you save yourself and without, you repeat the cycle, but it’s another opportunity to learn the lesson.
I know what it’s like to be stuck in the thinksand, when all you can do is stay at homeBnB, in your dark room, with your dark thoughts––Look at yo’ dark ass!
Don’t be like that.
Here, have some of my heal-good mix.