Balance is that thing we all face mass difficulty with. No matter how together it may look from the outside, a healthy balance of mind, emotion, heart, and grace is no easier to spot than the Blair Witch. There’s no template to it. The number one rule, here, in Fight Club, is – You have to go through a lot of tough sh*t in order to uncover the truth about balance.
Let’s just say, God hazes, and she hazes hard!
You know what makes an adult, in my opinion… What makes one an adult is facing the hardest of monsters – life! You have to feel those times when you’re alone; so alone, your heart and head are overrun with the static pains of confusion. You feel as though nobody else in the world understands you. Then, there are those times when you’ve had to faceplant, the times when there was no Saving Private Ryan. Not here, not on this is Dante’s Peak. If ever your health hit a wall, or catastrophe reached Crossroads on your path. The gaping wound of heartbreak – the loss of a loved one. Balance can only come after you’ve been to hell and back.
Balance is earned.
It’s because having been hurt or lost, heartbroken, empty, isolated –what have you, is a blessing… Or at least we must perceive it that way. A difficult one to take in, I know. But of the devil’s Cruel Intentions, his first priority is to paint the illusion of inner nowhereness, a healthy feeding of trauma and sorrow. Nourished, so long may they reign atop your temple. This is an absence of balance, but it’s for your own resurrection. *
I suffer from Depression, so sometimes the pain hurts good. As an emotional, empathic, sensitive guy, when I go through a wave of pain, it feels like home. Even now that I know better (balance better), I still have a familiarity with pain. My natural reaction is to sit in it. Whoooosh! The air is so thick down in this familiar place. Should I just do a few hours or an entire weekend here in the catacombs? That’s when the anxiety and the doubt, and the victimization, and the helplessness, and the sorrow just pop, lock and drop it on you. And you’re stuck in that space for a while. Your life falls apart and you let it, you help it, even… Because my brain told me so.
When you’re forced to give the rest of it up, just so you can breathe again; you begin to see the value of balance. For me, when it all fell apart, I would pray to just feel something. I had been put through the wringer for/by/with people. I was exhausted. I had faced the dramas, trauma and a ubiquitous helping of an obvious dedication to misunderstand my way by people who meant me no good. I changed to be like them, other people; and that constantly backfired for me. I couldn’t fit. That’s why everything continued to fail. I had to do this–live this, my way.
Then in the silence, I found channels which lead me down narrow pathways of my own consciousness. Herein I met the deepest caverns of myself which needed healing. I knew this would be an inside job and I was helplessly ready to rise to the occasion.
It wasn’t easy …
For me, the truth about balance is—it comes after soul-shattering healing…